Friday, April 15, 2011

New Leaf

Go brain, go! is back. No more layout changes for a while, I promise. Unless, of course, I find out that some famous pedophile or politician has the same one. Then maybe. Maybe.

The truth is, I need to start keeping track of my thoughts again. I would really love to do it in pencil in a cool leather-and-hemp-bound journal, but i think faster than I can write, so typing is more honest. And that's the direction in which I want this thing to head. I want to live life with more transparency. I want to integrate my two selves. I'm not saying there's a version of me that has been keeping disgusting secrets from all my friends and family for years. But there are little things that I think we all need to be more honest about. Little ways in which we all need to stop pretending. For example - it's a little suspect for a 33 year old man who is unemployed and keeps a blog to call himself "theboy1der". Yet there it is in my blog address, my Twitter ID, and my email address. Anyway - it's not like I'm about to change all those things, I just need to be honest about it. I need to talk about the things that sometimes people are reluctant to talk to people about. Confession being good for the soul, and all. Sunlight being the best disinfectant, you know.

I realize that being honest and vulnerable opens you up to being taken advantage of by less scrupulous people. It's happened to me before. It will likely happen to me again. I don't consider that a reason to be less honest. The fact is, every time we lie (to ourselves or others) we create an alternate reality. We add another reality to actual reality, and we have to live in all those other realities with their troubles, too. Frankly, I'm too lazy for that. I have enough trouble with the world that's actually real to worry about the troubles in all the worlds I made up. Actual J.T. doesn't want to have to be bothered with the problems that fake J.T. presents.

What that means is that I'll probably say some things here that you probably didn't know about me. Maybe even some things you don't agree with. But sometimes putting them on the record is my way of seeing whether I actually believe them or not. I pick up ideas. I play around with them. I put them back down. Sometimes I keep them. This is annoying to some people. But I want to "be ready to die today for what I know to be true - and be ready tomorrow to call it falsehood." And to do that, I need to start working through what I think is true about me, and the world.

This should be fun! Either that, or it could be Sheen-style self-destruction. I guess we'll have to see!

Grace + Peace


hello jamie: said...

how did you get that "instinct" button and more importantly, can I steal it?

and, jinx, I did a re-route this week too. not in design, YET, but in scope. no judgment.

Dylan Newhouse said...

While I get the gist of your "boy1der" example, I can only relate in this respect: I sometimes feel embarrassed for loving things others might consider childish or silly. I try to never let this cross over into a feeling of guilt. For me, being easy on myself is key to peace in my life, and that applies to whatever entertainments/ diversions I enjoy as long as they do not take precedence over more important things.

That's a long way of saying "like what you like."


"At twenty, I was condemned for being childish. At forty, I am praised for being childlike." - Rich Mullins

Fun fact: the 'word verification' I had to enter to post this was "tainocia."

J.T. said...

Jamie - I actually have NO IDEA how that got on there. In fact, I spent a good portion of my redesign trying to figure out how to get it off of there. It had been added to my previous template as well. Probably by Blogger. You can have it.

Dylan - Oh, I'm totally with you on that. I'm going to like what I like, and I don't care if anybody else likes it or not. To quote a nerdy show I like, I believe in "Let Bartlet be Bartlet". But maybe I should find a better way to like it than calling myself the boy wonder, when clearly I'm no longer a boy, and clearly I have accomplished little in my life so far that qualifies as a "wonder". Also - I thought it was a good idea to say that publicly somewhere before someone else did.