Friday, October 15, 2004

Hells Bells

Hells Bells Volume Two!!

Hells Bells is a documentary extolling the evils of Rock-n-Roll music! Sex, drugs, Satanism, the occult, symbols, back-masking, subliminal messages, tribal spiritual rhythms, murder, and all the worst things an individual can be involved in are exposed in this 3 ½ hour documentary hosted by the mullet-sporting Eric Holmberg. I remember as a teenager watching Hells Bells Volume One and just being completely fascinated by all the “evil” stuff they showed! I must have borrowed this video from Klondike a dozen times just to rock out.

So a few years ago, when I saw that Hells Bells 2 was coming out – I was elated. 6 hours and 10 minutes of pure heaven, on 2 DVD’s. Suggested retail price - $99.95. Special Introductory price - $69.95. Buy It Now on Ebay – $29.99 plus shipping. You better believe I snagged it. It came in on Monday.

This is Brett. He's 18. He's pretty much one of the coolest guys you'll ever meet. He reminds me alot of me when I was his age. He's all about the music. He's like a little hairy Matt Pinfield. Anyway, Brett's having some girl trouble right now. What are you gonna do, right? Nothing takes away the hurt like some good old fashioned rocking out, and Brett was as excited about Hells Bells 2 as I was. We've been getting together to watch it section by section. After all, who's got 6 hours in a row, right? Not me. Not Brett. Plus - we want to savor it, you know? Well, it turns out that this new Hells Bells is pretty freaking slow at times. And they talk about a lot of stuff that doesn't rock.

Well, regardless, we are wading through the parts that suck, to get to the parts that rule. I think we've finally made it to the part that we've been waiting for. Brett keeps saying "Just freakin' play some Slayer!!"

Well said, Brett. Well said.

I think there's some Slayer in our near future. Also some Venom, Marilyn Manson, and Deicide. We may even be treated to some new examples of back-masking. You know - where you play an Amy Grant album backwards, and you hear her say, "Help me, Satan, daddy's baby" - that stuff.

As you can see by the picture just to the north of this sentence, I too, am all about the rock. Apparently, I'm all about the whiskers, too. Actually, not anymore. Whiskers look funny with a shaved head. Anyway, I'm extremely pumped about Hells Bells 2: The Power And Spirit Of Popular Music, and wanted to recommend it to you. Anybody out there seen either one of these documentaries? Don't be shy.

Now if you'll excuse me - I'm about to miss Joan of Arcadia - and we just can't have that.

Shalom out

Friday, October 1, 2004

Rules Guys Live By

I love this! I found it, and thought you might enjoy it, too. And you blog snobs out there who can't stomach the posting of something so banal as this (ahemabbyconnerahem) can just.... just.... DO something.

Finally, the guys' side of the story. These are our rules!
(Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! )

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Currently Watching
Star Wars Trilogy (Widescreen Edition)
By Harrison Ford
see related
HA! Did you see that? Apparently the Star Wars Trilogy is "by Harrison Ford". I hope George doesn't get wind of this.

Anyway, Mark's woman got him the new Special Edition Star Wars Trilogy on DVD. He recently bought a progressive scan DVD player, and a nice 32" HDTV. Two great tastes that taste great together, I must say. So far we have watched all the bonus material, "A New Hope", and "The Empire Strikes Back" IN HIGH DEFINITION. You haven't seen these movies until you've seen them in HD. It's like looking through a freaking window! No, I take that back... it's clearer than looking through a window. It's clearer than real life! I'm a little bit sad, though, because even though I know that "Jedi" is the next one, and the best one, I know that after that - there's nothing else. Sure, I know I could go back and watch Episodes I and II, but they just don't hold the same mystique for me that the originals do. How could they? They weren't written by Harrison Ford.

Anyway, I'm not writing to tell you about Star Wars. I'm writing to tell you about the Best Show You're Not Watching. That's right, gather 'round, children - Unca J.T.'s about to reveal the secret of the T.V.-watching universe to you.


Have you seen this show? It's on ABC on Wednesdays at 7 p.m CST. And before you ask - NO, it is NOT a reality show. It's a drama. Or maybe an action/adventure. It's hard to tell. Normally I'm not down with the ABC dramas, but this show is BLOWING MY MIND. I love it! It's been a while since I actually loved a show so much I thought I would go crazy waiting a whole week for a new episode. It is NOTHING like I expected. You've seen the promos for it. Bunch of folks have a plane crash. Land on what looks like a desert island. Great, you figure - A fictional survivor. Or "Alive" in a warmer climate, and pretty soon they'll start to eat each other. But I'm telling you, there is much more to this show than you think. If you haven't been watching it - you've been missing out. It stars, in no particular order:

That oldest kid from Party of Five.
The new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from the West Wing.
The guy who used to rent the apartment above the Talon last season on Smallville.
And one of the Hobbits. Not Frodo - Not Sam.

Two 1-hour episodes have already aired, and normally that would suck for you. But I have good news! Both episodes will be airing again THIS Saturday night on ABC, starting at 7 p.m. CST. So you can catch up, and start watching, or taping, or setting your TiVo or Replay TV. Just do whatever it takes to catch this thing.

Oh- and this is the only thing I think I'll say about this, but:
John Kerry: 1
George Bush: 0
Best 2 out of 3 gets to be President