Thursday, October 20, 2005

Baby mama drama

Okay, so I know I've used this picture before, but I thought that it was more appropriate for this post than it's ever been. LISTEN TO THIS:

A couple of weeks ago, my sister and I signed up for the Cox cable bundle pack that includes cable, high speed internet, and telephone service. When we finally got it up and running, it was the first time this house had had a telephone since before I lived here. Naturally we were assigned a phone number for our place. Now, since I never wanted to get a phone in the first place (I have done just fine using just my cell phone for the past 4 years - plus I HATE talking on the phone) - I didn't care much about giving out the new number, so I didn't. But my sister gave it to our parents, her boyfriend, and the church, because she got tired of everybody using up all her cell phone minutes, or using them for business. All that to say - we have a phone, but hardly anybody has the number.

A shortly after getting the phone, we hooked up my old answering machine from college. No sooner had we done so, than I started to get messages from Faye. The ONLY person who has ever left a message on our machine, to this day, is Faye. Faye would call and say she really needed to talk to me, and that it was really, really important. Later she would say that she was getting married in December, and needed to talk to me as soon as possible. But she would always call when I wasn't here. She would promise to call back later on, or the next day at 9 p.m., and I would always plan to be home (my curiosity being peaked), but she never called back when she said she would.

The thing is - I have NO IDEA who Faye is. I've never even met anybody named Faye. And I have no idea how she got my number. What could she want? I formulated this theory that she had called the church to see about getting married there, but that they had told her no, because we only allow church members. Persistent and desperate as she was, I theorized that she had looked on our website, grabbed my name as somebody sympathetic-looking, and perhaps similar in age, called back pretending to know me, and perhaps they gave her my number. I thought she wanted to plea for help in landing our church as the location for her wedding.

I could not have been more wrong.

Last night, with my sister out of town for a week, and noone to witness it - I got one last message on my answering machine from Faye. She said that she had been trying to get in touch with me, but didn't understand why I wouldn't talk to her. She didn't want to leave her phone number, but wanted to let me know that we have a 9 month-old daughter together, and thought I would want to know, and maybe meet her. She emphasized that she didn't want us to get back together, or anything, and that she was getting married in December. She promised to try calling again later on, but after that - and I quote - "forget you!" Much to my dismay - she never did call.

WHAT. THE. HECK.

Just to clarify - Billie Jean is not my lover. She's just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son. Seriously, though - I have never met Faye, and I certainly don't have a daughter or son of any age with anybody. But now.... see... now I'm invested in this relationship. I feel bad for Faye because she obviously thinks she has the right man, and he has been ignoring her, for whatever reason. I feel bad for "Jason", whoever he is, because evidently he still doesn't know about his daughter. And I feel bad for me, because really - what's the next step? If she doesn't get closure on this thing before her wedding, is she going to call information with my phone number, and get an address? Maybe show up at my door with my "daughter" and get the shock of both of our lives? Okay, actually - I don't feel sorry for me. Because if that happened I would laugh so amazingly, unbelievably, ridiculously hard for so very very long. You know... after... she left... of course. Now I'm actually sort of wishing that would happen. Because that would make the greatest story ever - and a great follow up blog to this post.

So Faye - wherever you are - don't let it get you down. You've apparently got a great man now, who loves you and my daughter, and is going to make an honest girl out of you in just a few short weeks. You've got so much more to worry about than getting closure with your baby' daddy. Flowers to arrange, tuxes to rent, shoes to dye. Don't miss out on your opportunity to be the very best Bridezilla you can be, just because some man stuck you with a bun in the oven 18 months ago. Cheers!

10 comments:

krysten said...

LOL!!!!!!!!

LOL!!!!!!!!

"Billy Jean is not my lover"!!!

oh man...i gotta go back and re-read that....

krysten said...

wow, Jas...i am REALLY impressed that you even mentioned "shoes to dye"...not many men have a clue that even exists! much less spelling "dye" right!

it must have been on Jeopardy.

now "billie jean" is stuck in my head...

jamie said...

I have no words.

The Bagboy said...

Ooooh...yeah. I forgot to tell you. I'm avoiding her, and gave her a random number to get her off my back. Who knew it'd be yours? Well, sorry. Gotta leave the country. Costa Rica, here I come!

J.T. said...

Well, let's not be hasty here... Is she cute? I mean, I don't mind the Bagboy's sloppy seconds if....

krysten said...

too late, sucka...remember? she's getting married in December.

you never listened to her...probably why she left you.

lol

jamie said...

I can almost guarantee it, Krysten.

*wink*

Tanya Rallinson said...

You tell Faye that her baby's daddy's mama's brother's daughter is extremely peeved that she has a first cousin once removed that she didn't know about. I mean really, I take great pride in at least knowing the first initial of ALL my cousin's youngins...illegitimate or not!

J.T. said...

Wow, Tanya. That's actually quite a weighty undertaking you're talking about there!

And I'll tell her - if only she'd call!!

robin said...

wow...I am having trouble wading through all of the male jargon in that blog post...bun in the oven, Bridezilla, making an honest girl of her...jeez! Never knew you were so keen on the machismo lingo, JT! that is crazy though...she knew just who to call!